Emily Jameh, Ph.D., is a sex therapist, author, and podcast host. Every month you can find her here sharing her latest thoughts on sex.
It was a cold, gray January day when my new clients Amy and Noah came on their first date. She made us all some tea and lit a candle, and we felt so comfortable in my office.
“What brings you today?” I asked.
“I’ll get it right,” Noah began. “We’re here because Amy has never had an orgasm before.”
“That’s right,” she said. “I don’t have.”
I asked them some questions about their relationship. They married young, graduated straight from college and had two children shortly thereafter. They said they had no conflict in the relationship or much stress. Then I asked them what made them seek counseling now.
Noah said, “Well, I hope we have a long and happy life together. Her happiness and fulfillment are part of that. It’s not that she doesn’t enjoy our sex.” He looked at her. I nodded. “I just think she could enjoy it a lot more if she was able to have orgasms.”
“It’s hard for me to know for sure because I’ve never had one, but if it’s anything like what I see in the movies, it’s probably right. It looks amazing, but I’m not sure how to get there.”
I asked them specific questions about their sexuality and assessed what they had experienced so far. What I learned was not a huge surprise. They usually spend some time kissing and caressing, then begin sexual intercourse, which usually lasts for five minutes before Noah climaxes. Both expected Amy to be able to orgasm at some point during intercourse, ideally at the same time as Noah.
I started “Okay”. “The good news is that I love what I hear in terms of your motivation for therapy. You clearly care about each other and want both of you to be happy and sexually fulfilled. The bad news is that your expectations of how Amy will reach orgasm are off.”
I explained that while some women climax during penetration, the majority need external stimulation of the clitoris in order to get there. Moreover, most of them need more than five minutes.
Then I turned to Amy and asked if it would be a good idea to ask her a few questions about self-pleasure.
“Sure,” she said. “There is not much to say.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
She wrapped her hands around the tea and took a sip. “If you’re referring to masturbation, I don’t. It’s not something I felt obligated to do, and now that I’m married, I feel like I shouldn’t be doing it.”
“Let me ask you this question,” I began. Let’s take the idea of gender out of the equation for a minute. What do you do on a routine basis that brings you happiness? Do you take a shower, do you go for walks? ”
“I enjoy taking a bath,” she said. “Noah spoiled me with a wonderful bathtub. I also love baking and gardening. All these things bring me so much happiness.”
Well, I said, those are all excellent ways to please yourself. However, you seem to be drawing a line when subjective pleasure crosses over into the sexual realm. Giving yourself the time and space to explore your body in a pleasurable way is one of the best ways to learn how to reach orgasm. Have one with Noah if you don’t learn how to get one yourself?”
“I always remind my clients that an orgasm is theirs or not to have. No one can ‘give it’ to them, I said. Most women should learn how to reach orgasm. It’s frustrating, but orgasms don’t happen as easily or spontaneously to women as they do With men. The reason is that men must have an orgasm in order to ejaculate and thus procreate, but this is not true of women.”
“If you’re open to that, I’d like to give you a masturbation homework. And I would like the goal not to reach orgasm, but to give in to sexual pleasure and get to know your own body, because that’s really what this is about.”
“I’m open to that,” she said. “But honestly, I’m not sure where to start or how to go about it.”
I told Amy that most women reach orgasm through external clitoral stimulation. In fact, over 95% of women focus on external stimulation while masturbating. “You can start by spending some time relaxing, maybe in the shower because you know you enjoy that,” I said, “and then start touching different parts of your body. Don’t go to your vulva right away. Focus on the different sensations and enjoy them. You may or may not find You find your mind depends on a sexual fantasy.Every woman is different, and this is your chance to discover what comes naturally to you.When you feel ready, you can start massaging your vulva.Try different types of touching to see what feels good and see your arousal build.Next, look at What will happen and be sure to report back. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t orgasm the first time or even the second or third time. Remember that most women have to learn how to get there.”
Amy and Noah left my office cautiously optimistic. They came back a few weeks later, and I immediately noticed some activity in Amy’s step.
“It happened!” Amy exploded before asking how things were. I clapped my hands excitedly.
“I can’t believe I’ve been missing that my whole life,” she said.
Noah looked happy, but I could tell something was on his mind. “How have things been for you, Noah?”
He said, “Don’t get me wrong.” “I’m over the moon for the Emmys. But it just didn’t happen with me.”
I said “don’t worry”. “This is a learning process. I want Amy to use this as an opportunity to build her confidence and expand her concept of self-pleasure. Over time, she can show you how to pleasure herself and then you can try to mimic the technique.”
Self-pleasure, masturbation, and solo play—whatever you want to call it—is a great way to practice self-love. It can help you relax, relieve stress (sexual or otherwise), and be a great way to calmly explore your fantasies and desires. Studies consistently show that women who masturbate feel more sexually satisfied in their relationships than women who don’t masturbate. So this season of love, give yourself the gift of pleasure and fulfillment.
of your site articles
Related articles around the web
.