Former DA Jack McCoy
The biggest class action suit ever began today, as attorneys presented opening arguments against the Republican Party for allegedly breaching its "Contract with America."
"Your honor, counsel for the plaintiffs intends to show that the defendants have grossly violated the terms of their own contract," began attorney Jack McCoy.
"Um, no they haven't," countered defense attorney Kevin Lomax. "Okay, they've made a few mistakes. But who among us is perfect?"
"We're not asking your clients to be perfect," McCoy responded later. "We're just asking for something above the tenth percentile."
At last count, 180 million Americans had joined the class-action suit. McCoy left a district attorney post in New York to take the case, partnering with former assistant Claire Kincaid.
McCoy has declared intent to sue the defendants for violation of promises of fiscal responsibility, national security, term limits, fairness to senior citizens, welfare reform, and restoration of the American dream.
"Fiscal responsibility?" asked McCoy, rhetorically. "This spending spree with our children's money? Apparently the credit card thiefs I've put behind bars over the years have been fiscally responsible!"
"Objection!" shouted Lomax.
"And when did the American dream turn into an Orwellian nightmare?"
"Sustained," said Judge Richard O'Brien, who is hearing the case. "Mr. McCoy, you know as well as I do that the Patriot Act expressly forbids references to Orwell."
Speaking for Republicans, Vice President Dick Cheney has denounced the case as "ridiculous, outrageous, and harmful to our troops."
"I've got them for breach of contract," McCoy responded. "And if I eat my Wheaties, I can get them for graft, fraud, bribery, corruption, treason, and illegal wiretapping."
President Bush has asked the judge to "define wiretapping."
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