O'Reilly: Christ wants a percentage, too
Jesus Christ has commanded stores to use His name to sell cheap plastic crap, reported bark TV host Bill O'Reilly.
"Jesus is very upset," O'Reilly told viewers Saturday night. "He demands we drape His name all over our commercial orgy."
Also, O'Reilly reported, Christ recommended Factor gear, available at BillOReilly.com, as stocking stuffers.
For two millenia, Christ's name has been restricted to the worlds of the sacred and the shocked. His latest move into the world of the profane comes as a surprise to many observers of the Son of Man.
"It seems sacrilegious," said the Rev. Scott Sloan of Massachusetts. "This is the guy who didn't want moneychangers in His father's temple."
President Bush, however, supports the War on the War on Christmas.
"Yeah," Bush said. "I encourage Americans to focus on that war for the next several years."
A group called the American Family Association has threatened to boycott stores that fail to exploit Christ's birth.
One target, Target, has already given in, with mixed results.
"I wanted to go to very good sale at Target," said 29-year-old Denver resident Ritu Vanyeshi. "But was only for Christians. Now I must live without the lacy underwear."
Meanwhile, another target refuses to surrender.
"No-No No! I will not rename the sled," said Santa Claus. "I already exclaim 'Merry Christmas to all.' What more do you people want?"
|2016/05/04||Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee|
|2016/05/03||Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo||2011/03/07||Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown|
|2006/10/31||Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration|
|2006/10/13||Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton|
|2006/09/25||John McCain eats a bug|
|2006/09/18||Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism|
|2006/09/10||Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney|
|2006/08/28||Pluto leaving Solar System entirely|
|2006/08/15||Liquids banned; snakes welcomed|
|2006/07/25||Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon|
|2006/06/26||Microsoft to counter growing robot threat|
|2006/06/17||Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author|
|2006/05/30||Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA|
|2006/04/24||Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans|
|2006/04/17||Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program|
|2006/03/27||White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution|
|2006/03/13||White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion|
|2006/03/07||Yet another pig lipsticked|
|2006/02/28||ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective|
|2006/02/20||Media unfair to Darth Vader|
|2006/02/10||Bush orders surveillance of black funerals|
|2006/02/06||Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson|
|2006/01/30||Oprah summons the full power of the storm|
|2006/01/23||Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark|
|2006/01/16||G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America|
|2006/01/11||Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind|
|2006/01/09||God sues Pat Robertson for slander|
|2006/01/02||Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations|