Bill O'Reilly engages in auto-interrogaticism
In a television first, Bill O'Reilly has interviewed himself.
"We are proud," O'Reilly told viewers, "To bring you tonight's monologue ... in stereo!"
O'Reilly's alternate-reality twin, Nega-Bill, was thrown into our universe earlier this month. But unlike related incidents, O'Reilly did not swap places with his fair-and-balanced opposite.
Scientists speculate O'Reilly could have been protected by local gravitational anomalies caused by massive piles of unsold Factor merchandise.
Faux-News obtained transcripts from multiple anonymous staffers on the show, along with job applications.
O'Reilly: "So, you claim to be from a universe where Republican politicians are decent, honest, hard-working patriots."
Nega-Bill: "That's right. It all started when ..."
O'Reilly: "Well, we find that offensive. Are you implying that ours are creepy, lying fat cats bent on the destruction of America?"
Nega-Bill: "No, just observing. If you consider ..."
O'Reilly: "We have considered. You're trying to spin on The No-Spin Zone™, and we won't allow that."
Nega-Bill: "You keep saying 'we.' Have you got someone else in the chair there with you?"
O'Reilly: "I represent the folks!"
Nega-Bill: "Oh, really? Did they elect you?"
O'Reilly: "We're here to talk about you, Nega-Bill. Now, you claim that in your universe, gays and lesbians can marry just like normal folk?"
Nega-Bill: "Well, yes, except that we really don't consider ..."
O'Reilly: "How about a duck? I want to marry a duck!"
Nega-Bill: "Um, no, that would be rather unfair to the duck."
O'Reilly: "You think you've landed one on the old Bill-ster, don't you? Well, let me tell you, I've seen worse combat in my time."
Nega-Bill: "Combat? What, did your Boy Scout troop have a rumble with a pack of Brownies?"
O'Reilly: "We don't like your tone, Mr. Nega-Bill."
Nega-Bill: "Are you sure there's no one else in your chair?"
O'Reilly: "It's just me and my twin from the Tiny universe, ..."
Nega-Bill: "Don't tell me you're holding onto ..."
O'Reilly: "... Negligi-Bill. Would you like to meet him?"
O'Reilly: "A-a-a-all right. Nega-Bill, I'll give you the last word."
Nega-Bill: "Well, Bill, I think ..."
O'Reilly: "Hogwash. You've been misled by the liberal media."
Nega-Bill: "But Bill ..."
O'Reilly: "Cut his mic! Cut his mic! Now remember to buy your Factor gear at BillOReilly.com. Please, God, let somebody buy something."
O'Reilly: "So ... Republican politicians are decent, honest, hard-working patriots."
Nega-Bill: "That's right."
O'Reilly: "Remember to buy your Factor gear at BillOReilly.com.
According to Factor staffers, O'Reilly was not happy with Nega-Bill's behavior on his show.
"I can't believe I interviewed you," O'Reilly said after the show.
"It must have been your lifelong ambition," replied Nega-Bill.
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