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Bill O'Reilly interviews Bill O'Reilly

Bill O'Reilly engages in auto-interrogaticism

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In a television first, Bill O'Reilly has interviewed himself.

"We are proud," O'Reilly told viewers, "To bring you tonight's monologue ... in stereo!"

O'Reilly's alternate-reality twin, Nega-Bill, was thrown into our universe earlier this month. But unlike related incidents, O'Reilly did not swap places with his fair-and-balanced opposite.

Scientists speculate O'Reilly could have been protected by local gravitational anomalies caused by massive piles of unsold Factor merchandise.

Faux-News obtained transcripts from multiple anonymous staffers on the show, along with job applications.

Transcript (before editing)

O'Reilly: "So, you claim to be from a universe where Republican politicians are decent, honest, hard-working patriots."

Nega-Bill: "That's right. It all started when ..."

O'Reilly: "Well, we find that offensive. Are you implying that ours are creepy, lying fat cats bent on the destruction of America?"

Nega-Bill: "No, just observing. If you consider ..."

O'Reilly: "We have considered. You're trying to spin on The No-Spin Zone™, and we won't allow that."

Nega-Bill: "You keep saying 'we.' Have you got someone else in the chair there with you?"

O'Reilly: "I represent the folks!"

Nega-Bill: "Oh, really? Did they elect you?"

O'Reilly: "We're here to talk about you, Nega-Bill. Now, you claim that in your universe, gays and lesbians can marry just like normal folk?"

Nega-Bill: "Well, yes, except that we really don't consider ..."

O'Reilly: "How about a duck? I want to marry a duck!"

Nega-Bill: "Um, no, that would be rather unfair to the duck."

O'Reilly: "You think you've landed one on the old Bill-ster, don't you? Well, let me tell you, I've seen worse combat in my time."

Nega-Bill: "Combat? What, did your Boy Scout troop have a rumble with a pack of Brownies?"

O'Reilly: "We don't like your tone, Mr. Nega-Bill."

Nega-Bill: "Are you sure there's no one else in your chair?"

O'Reilly: "It's just me and my twin from the Tiny universe, ..."

Nega-Bill: "Don't tell me you're holding onto ..."

O'Reilly: "... Negligi-Bill. Would you like to meet him?"

Nega-Bill: "NO!"

O'Reilly: "A-a-a-all right. Nega-Bill, I'll give you the last word."

Nega-Bill: "Well, Bill, I think ..."

O'Reilly: "Hogwash. You've been misled by the liberal media."

Nega-Bill: "But Bill ..."

O'Reilly: "Cut his mic! Cut his mic! Now remember to buy your Factor gear at BillOReilly.com. Please, God, let somebody buy something."

Transcript (after editing)

O'Reilly: "So ... Republican politicians are decent, honest, hard-working patriots."

Nega-Bill: "That's right."

O'Reilly: "Remember to buy your Factor gear at BillOReilly.com.

After the show

According to Factor staffers, O'Reilly was not happy with Nega-Bill's behavior on his show.

"I can't believe I interviewed you," O'Reilly said after the show.

"It must have been your lifelong ambition," replied Nega-Bill.

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