The universe imploded yesterday, reducing billions of galaxies to a single point of immeasurable mass.
Globular dandelion cluster
Neighbors point to dandelions on Joseph Smith's lawn as the cause.
"I told him several ways to get rid of them," said Howard Moynlin. "But it was always 'I think they're pretty' or 'I don't want to poison my kids.' Now the whole neighborhood's a point mass. Thanks a lot, Joe."
Moynlin was one of the lucky few rescued by the alien race known as the Heechee before the Earth was pulled asunder by tidal forces. Now, like the rest of us, he lives in the Gateway asteroid on the edge of the biggest event horizon ever.
"You let those dandelions grow, and they take over your whole lawn," Moynlin said. "Then they spread over your neighbor's lawn, and his neighbor's lawn, until pretty soon the whole planet's one big dandelion patch, spreading dandelion seeds across the universe, altering the distribution of mass and reversing cosmological expansion."
"All from one dandelion," Moynlin said.
But Jim McClune, who lives in the same tunnel as Moynlin, has his own theory of the cause.
"It was the Clintons," McClune said. "I just know it's all their fault."
|2016/05/04||Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee|
|2016/05/03||Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo||2011/03/07||Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown|
|2006/10/31||Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration|
|2006/10/13||Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton|
|2006/09/25||John McCain eats a bug|
|2006/09/18||Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism|
|2006/09/10||Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney|
|2006/08/28||Pluto leaving Solar System entirely|
|2006/08/15||Liquids banned; snakes welcomed|
|2006/07/25||Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon|
|2006/06/26||Microsoft to counter growing robot threat|
|2006/06/17||Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author|
|2006/05/30||Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA|
|2006/04/24||Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans|
|2006/04/17||Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program|
|2006/03/27||White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution|
|2006/03/13||White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion|
|2006/03/07||Yet another pig lipsticked|
|2006/02/28||ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective|
|2006/02/20||Media unfair to Darth Vader|
|2006/02/10||Bush orders surveillance of black funerals|
|2006/02/06||Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson|
|2006/01/30||Oprah summons the full power of the storm|
|2006/01/23||Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark|
|2006/01/16||G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America|
|2006/01/11||Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind|
|2006/01/09||God sues Pat Robertson for slander|
|2006/01/02||Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations|