Police from San Francisco to Sacramento have no leads in the serial smearing of five women named Cindy Sheehan, in the order they appear in area phone books.
"It's not like there's some kind of evil GOP attack cyborg from the future that's come back to rub out everyone named Cindy Sheehan," joked Sacramento Chief of Police Albert Najera.
In nearby Vacaville, Matt Granger witnessed the attack on his neighbor, 30-year-old Cindy Mae Sheehan.
"Whatever it was, it just kept coming," Granger said. "It asked if she was Cindy Sheehan, and if she would defend her son at all costs."
"When she said yes, it muttered 'Marginalize Target,' and started screeching about her. Phil Silverman two blocks down could hear it."
"It said she was 'hard left' and 'being used' and 'hurting the troops,'" Granger said. "Then it said she was connected to Michael Moore, moveon.org and, worse yet, Kevin Bacon."
"She pepper-sprayed it. Didn't seem to have any effect, so I turned the hose on it. Sparks started flying out everywhere, and the damn thing fell to the ground and started whining 'Don't hurt me, don't hurt me.' Then it ran off."
Solano County Sheriff Gary Traxler promised to find the attacker.
"Reminds me of the Sarah Connor case a few years back," Traxler said. "Except in that case, the attacker wasn't a whiny, self-important, chickenhawk asshole."
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