FAUX NEWS

 

Congress to protect American flag with special yellow fluid

Rep. Rhett Skaul
(R-Calif.)

The United States Congress has approved a constitutional amendment that would finally, after two hundred years, protect the American flag from freedom of speech.

"We must protect it from the flag burners," said Rep. Rhett Skaul (R-Calif.). "If this bill passes, we can require application of our special fire retardant, Agent U, to all flags."

Skaul dismissed leaks that Agent U was, in fact, urine, but admitted that the fluid slightly discolored flags.

"It's not like it's the first time Republicans have stained the flag," Skaul said. "But the American people know that we can take care of business."

Skaul predicted the amendment would succeed, regardless whether it passed.

"On one hand, we've distracted the nation," Skaul said. "On the other, we get to question the patriotism of any Democrats who vote against this amendment."

"It's a wee-wee situation," Skaul said.

Rep. Steve Rogers
(D-N.Y.)

But Rep. Steve Rogers (D-N.Y.) disagreed.

"Our flag is best served," Rogers said, "By protecting our nation and our freedom."

"The difference between a free nation and a fascist one is that a free nation does not need to protect its icons."

"I fought fascism in WW II," Rogers said. "And I will fight it again today."

Republicans quickly demanded an apology.

"Rogers went over the top," said Vice President Dick Cheney, "Comparing Republicans to Nazis is out of line. The Nazis killed and tortured millions of people. We're still in the thousands."

"Who does this Steve Rogers think he is, anyway?"

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives