Liberal bias in dictionaries can be tolerated no longer, says Kenneth "Kenny-Boy" Tomlinson, head of the Corporation for Protecting Dictionaries.
Tomlinson has therefore appointed White House staffer Dolly Umbridge to lead the new Office of Balance, which will approve definitions provided by dictionaries sold in the United States.
Umbridge's appointment follows the similar appointment of another White House staffer, Mary Catherine Andrews, to approve PBS content.
"Liberal bias pervades our culture," Umbridge told reporters today. "In college faculties, in the media, in the judiciary ... and in dictionaries. Hem, hem. That ... stops ... today."
Asked for examples of liberal bias, Umbridge provided several.
"Fascism, noun," Umbridge read. "A political regime led by a dictatorial leader, suppressing opposition and criticism, and emphasizing aggressive nationalism."
"It makes it sound so negative," Umbridge said.
"Conservative, noun. A supporter of tradition, caution, and fiscal responsibility."
"Today's definition has changed. Today's conservative believes in credit-card spending, centralized control, foreign adventures, an American KGB, and radical changes in government systems.
"Torture, noun. The infliction of intense pain."
"Ladies and gentlemen, U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has ruled that the infliction of pain less than that occuring during death or major organ failure does not constitute torture."
"Another problem," Umbridge said, "Is that dictionaries have ... too many words. We just need to cut a few.
Asked which words she had in mind, Umbridge said there were numerous useless words.
"For example," Umbridge said, "'Privatize' is completely unnecessary, when 'personalize' serves our purpose just fine."
Umbridge named two ombudsmen who will approve definitions. Respected journalist Jeff Gannon will service Webster's, American Heritage, and online dictionaries. Diplomat John Bolton will manage foreign dictionary imports, such as the Oxford English Dictionary.
Umbridge hinted that dictionaries are not the last bastions of liberal power that Republicans would seek to balance.
"Many families have no conservative members to monitor conversations for bias," Umbridge said. "Their children are deprived of a balanced point of view. The administration is considering assisting such families with a special "Big Brother" program.
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