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Harvard rejects applicants ex post facto

Bill O'Reilly

Harvard is beginning to reject applicants from past years.

"It would be capricious grandstanding," said Kendall C.H. Porter, Harvard dean of students, "For us to reject this year's applicants who viewed their own admission status by deleting part of a URL in their web browser -- were we not to consider also the more grievous lack of ethics displayed by past applicants a posteriori."

"For example, Mr. Bill O'Reilly, class of 1996. Mendacious and perverse, he is an embarrassment to the school of veritas. Mr. O'Reilly is requested to return his diploma forthwith, and to please reclaim this ... soiled loofa."

Bill Gates

Harvard's review of past applicants has reached the mid-1970s, Porter said.

"We reject the application of Mr. William Gates III, dropout circa 1975, for running a company of ill repute and locking the world into slow, faulty software."

"Mr. George Bush, president de facto, graduated sine laude in 1975. Mr. Bush dodged the draft; deserted from the National Guard; cheated during debates; damaged this nation through incompetence, irresponsibility and malfeasance; is a total git ... ad nauseam."

"We wish to reject Mr. Bush's application ... twice."

Other schools are expected to follow Harvard's lead in the ethics review. By the end of the week, not a single neo-conservative, evil genius, or middle manager is expected to be left with a diploma.

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