FAUX NEWS

 

Gay gorilla marriage ban advances

Koko, threat to America

A bill to ban gay gorilla marriage has been introduced in the Senate by Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), in response to a suit claiming that gorilla superstar Koko has a "nipple fetish."

"Gay gorilla marriage is the biggest threat this country faces," Santorum said over a latte in an impromptu interview at a D.C. coffeeshop. Pausing for a sip from the frothy mixture, he continued, "The future of our country hangs in the balance."

Waitress Kerri Langley agreed. "Sure. I've got two jobs, no health insurance, and I'll be supporting my mom when they cut her Social Security. Yeah, gay gorilla marriage is right at the top of my list."

TV evangelists also pounced on Koko.

"Koko is on the path to Hell," said Pat Robertson, speaking on CBN's The 700 club. "She can't actually enter Hell, since animals don't have souls. That's why we can eat them."

"Koko is 33 years old," Robertson continued. "That's 60 in gorilla years. Please, pray to God to change the population at the Gorilla Foundation."

Koko's friend Francine Patterson refused to confirm whether Koko is a lesbian.

"Frankly, Koko's relationships with other gorillas are none of your business," Patterson said. "That said, this whole 'nipple fetish' media frenzy has been misconstrued. Koko sometimes likes to point at her nipples, then a human's, and sign 'Different. Not.'"

Asked her opinion of Santorum, Koko signed, "Dirty. Dirty. Poop mouth," and ate a banana.

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives