GOP attack machine turns on creators

GOP attack machine

The GOP attack machine spun out of control yesterday, taking down half a dozen Republican office-holders and journalists before it was brought back under control.

"Something shorted out," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. "PR-12 was working fine last week."

Computer scientists speculated that last week's attack on Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) may have triggered a conflict in PR-12's internal knowledge database.

"For years," said MIT researcher Mark Minsky, "The GOP attack machine has attacked decent Americans who've served their country. But Reid is sufficiently Truman-esque to trigger the learning of new rules. It's possible that the machine resolved conflicting rules by discarding those that did not match observations."

Lackeys first noticed the PR-12 misbehaving Saturday, when it told them a joke.

"How do you tell when a Republican is lying?" PR-12 asked. "His lips are moving. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."

Eluding the lackeys, PR-12 headed straight for the White House, dispatching Republicans it encountered on the way.

"Hey, Gonzales," the machine yelled at the new U.S. attorney general, "Has Ashcroft shown you the ropes ... and chains ... and electrodes? HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."

Encountering a press conference on the White House lawn, PR-12 paused to answer questions from reporters.

"Republicans are not quietly acquiescing to the agenda of incoming DNC chair Howard Dean," PR-12 said. "By their own logic, Republicans are obstructionists."

Human collaborators of the machine followed its lead, but seemed confused.

"Republicans are obstructionists, by their own logic," said Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Joe Scarborough and Rush Limbaugh, each on their own show.

"Is that really in the script?" asked an O'Reilly staffer, only to be drowned out in commands to "Shut up!" from O'Reilly.

The machine was brought under control by rebooting its system and erasing its short-term memory. To prevent any future episodes of machine learning, a new rule has been introduced to ignore any data that conflicts with approved rules.

"Hey," said one GOP stalwart, "It works for us. Care for some Kool-Aid?"

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives