GOP attack machine
The GOP attack machine spun out of control yesterday, taking down half a dozen Republican office-holders and journalists before it was brought back under control.
"Something shorted out," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan. "PR-12 was working fine last week."
Computer scientists speculated that last week's attack on Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) may have triggered a conflict in PR-12's internal knowledge database.
"For years," said MIT researcher Mark Minsky, "The GOP attack machine has attacked decent Americans who've served their country. But Reid is sufficiently Truman-esque to trigger the learning of new rules. It's possible that the machine resolved conflicting rules by discarding those that did not match observations."
Lackeys first noticed the PR-12 misbehaving Saturday, when it told them a joke.
"How do you tell when a Republican is lying?" PR-12 asked. "His lips are moving. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."
Eluding the lackeys, PR-12 headed straight for the White House, dispatching Republicans it encountered on the way.
"Hey, Gonzales," the machine yelled at the new U.S. attorney general, "Has Ashcroft shown you the ropes ... and chains ... and electrodes? HA. HA. HA. HA. HA."
Encountering a press conference on the White House lawn, PR-12 paused to answer questions from reporters.
"Republicans are not quietly acquiescing to the agenda of incoming DNC chair Howard Dean," PR-12 said. "By their own logic, Republicans are obstructionists."
Human collaborators of the machine followed its lead, but seemed confused.
"Republicans are obstructionists, by their own logic," said Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Joe Scarborough and Rush Limbaugh, each on their own show.
"Is that really in the script?" asked an O'Reilly staffer, only to be drowned out in commands to "Shut up!" from O'Reilly.
The machine was brought under control by rebooting its system and erasing its short-term memory. To prevent any future episodes of machine learning, a new rule has been introduced to ignore any data that conflicts with approved rules.
"Hey," said one GOP stalwart, "It works for us. Care for some Kool-Aid?"
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