Satan is likely to be confirmed as attorney general despite the controversy over his role in forming torture policy for Hell, said Arlen Spector (R-PA), chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.
Though Satan faced "tough questions" from committee Democrats Thursday, no one has the spine necessary to oppose a Bush-nominated obscenity, Spector said.
Satan garnered praise from committee members for his rags-to-riches story. "You took a hole in the ground," said committee member Patrick Leahy, "And turned it into a thriving enterprise."
"But," Leahy continued, "Questions remain about whether you authorized torture of the billions of residents of Hell. It would be an outrage for this body to confirm anyone who would stain the American flag with the filth of torture."
"Senator," Satan replied, "I am truly appalled by the excesses of my dark minions. Those were the acts of demons having fun, without official sanction."
"I love you, old buddy," complained Sen. Joe Biden, (D-DL), "But you're not being candid."
Satan replied with a burst of projectile vomiting in the senator's direction.
At the end of the hearing, Spector promised Satan his nomination would go before the full Senate.
"I know," Satan said. "So, how's the chairman's seat?"
"Feels good," Spector said. "How's my soul?"
"Well ..." Satan replied, "Not so much."
|2016/05/04||Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee|
|2016/05/03||Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo||2011/03/07||Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown|
|2006/10/31||Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration|
|2006/10/13||Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton|
|2006/09/25||John McCain eats a bug|
|2006/09/18||Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism|
|2006/09/10||Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney|
|2006/08/28||Pluto leaving Solar System entirely|
|2006/08/15||Liquids banned; snakes welcomed|
|2006/07/25||Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon|
|2006/06/26||Microsoft to counter growing robot threat|
|2006/06/17||Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author|
|2006/05/30||Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA|
|2006/04/24||Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans|
|2006/04/17||Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program|
|2006/03/27||White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution|
|2006/03/13||White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion|
|2006/03/07||Yet another pig lipsticked|
|2006/02/28||ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective|
|2006/02/20||Media unfair to Darth Vader|
|2006/02/10||Bush orders surveillance of black funerals|
|2006/02/06||Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson|
|2006/01/30||Oprah summons the full power of the storm|
|2006/01/23||Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark|
|2006/01/16||G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America|
|2006/01/11||Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind|
|2006/01/09||God sues Pat Robertson for slander|
|2006/01/02||Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations|