FAUX NEWS

 

Scientists measure spin of Bill O'Reilly

O'Reilly

Scientists have measured the spin of Fox News talking head Bill O'Reilly.

"Until recently, his spin was too great for our technology to measure," said Dr. Perry Periwinkle of the California campus of the University of Indiana in Pennsylvia. "Recent advances in fast-framing cameras used in experimental plasma physics have changed that."

"We had to overcome other roadblocks as well," Periwinkle said. "O'Reilly spun at an even multiple of the standard NTSC frame rate in the United States, making it difficult to detect the spin when viewed from U.S. television sets.

"We also had to correct for the upward-rising temperature gradient in the atmosphere around him."

Scientists attempted to enlist O'Reilly's assistance in the measurement, but were unable to communicate with him.

"Frankly, the man never shuts up," Periwinkle said. "We'd get out half a question, and he'd interrupt, dismiss what we'd said so far, then forcibly change the topic."

Periwinkle speculated that O'Reilly's spin might be a contributing factor in his Ptolemaic view of the cosmos.

"He's spinning so fast," Periwinkle said, "That everyone around him is a blur. But he thinks everyone else is spinning, while he himself is at the center of the universe."

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives