FAUX NEWS

 

Tories: Declaration is "over the top"

John Murray
(T-Va.)

Today's declaration of independence by American insurgents is outrageous, said John Murray, 4th Earl of Dunmore, the rightful governor of Virginia Colony.

"It's over the top," Murray said. "His Majesty will find it ridiculous."

The inflammatory declaration echoes the insurgent's belief in democracy, a radical philosophy of mob rule.

"It claims that 'governments are instituted among Men,'" Murray said. "When we all know that the King derives his authority from God. These 'democrats' are trying to take God out of the government."

Murray is returning to England aboard the British warship on which he's lived since the insurgency began last year. But he promised that the King would not give in to the colonial terrorists.

"The King remains committed to protecting the American people from these ruffians," Murray said. "They are an extremist minority, aided by the French."

"The King will continue sending targets in bright red uniforms as long as it takes to win this war."

His Majesty King George III echoed those sentiments last month in a speech before members of his court.

"Is it worth it?" asked King George rhetorically. "It is worth it, and it is vital to the security of Our country."

"There is no higher calling than service in Our army," King George said, before leaving to see his dentist.

Insurgents interviewed for this broadsheet had much to say about the King, most of which cannot be printed.

"How'd he get to be king, anyway?" asked Tom Paine, a spokesman for the insurgents. "I didn't vote for him."

RSS feed

Recent stories

2016/05/04 Thing found under rock now presumptive GOP nominee
2016/05/03 Wicked Witch blocks vote on Judge Garland due to typo
2011/03/07 Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown
2006/10/31 Scary characters promised for Nov. 7 Halloween celebration
2006/10/13 Bush stubs toe; blames Clinton
2006/09/25 John McCain eats a bug
2006/09/18 Fighting fascism requires dictatorial powers, fervent nationalism
2006/09/10 Mickey Mouse resigns from Disney
2006/08/28 Pluto leaving Solar System entirely
2006/08/15 Liquids banned; snakes welcomed
2006/07/25 Embryos evacuated safely from Lebanon
2006/06/26 Microsoft to counter growing robot threat
2006/06/17 Alderaan survivors are enjoying homeworld's death, says author
2006/05/30 Mexican banditos may get amnesty for service in NSA
2006/04/24 Aquaman elected mayor of New Orleans
2006/04/17 Kunta Kinte advises caution on 'guest worker' program
2006/03/27 White House toilet clogged by U.S. Constitution
2006/03/13 White House defends spying on Frankenfurter mansion
2006/03/07 Yet another pig lipsticked
2006/02/28 ABC to air Lost retrospective retrospective
2006/02/20 Media unfair to Darth Vader
2006/02/10 Bush orders surveillance of black funerals
2006/02/06 Paris Hilton missing after cruise ship wedding to Scott Peterson
2006/01/30 Oprah summons the full power of the storm
2006/01/23 Plantation owners offended by Clinton's "plantation" remark
2006/01/16 G.O.P. sued for breach of Contract with America
2006/01/11 Nosferatu promises to keep an open mind
2006/01/09 God sues Pat Robertson for slander
2006/01/02 Bush expresses, hires Lowered Expectations

Faux-News Archives