FAUX NEWS

 

Governor Walker visits Farmer Brown [TRANSCRIPT]

Walker's budget plan is
exactly what he promised voters

Welcome to the farm, Governor! I'm Farmer Brown. My chickens are over there, got some cattle in the pasture, and I hear tell you're already acquainted with swine.

Watch your step, now. Watch your ... that was a deep one. You're gonna need a new pair o' shoes.

What you stepped in there was ... well, no, you're half right. Cow manure doesn't smell that bad. That there's a mixture of horse manure and &mdash whew! &mdash pig manure gone bad. These bums called the Koch brothers have been bringing it in from out of state and dumpin' it on my farm. It's everywhere. I can't even sit down to my TV set without seein' it spread all over.

You know them? Well, maybe you could get them to stop.

Now, speakin' of horse manure, you were tellin' me on the phone that it was gonna rain, and so you needed to burn down my barn. Now, there's just three problems with that. Number one, there's clear blue skies, without a cloud in sight. Number two, the rain's good for the crops. And number three, what the hell do you want to burn down my barn for? That don't make no sense.

I'm not buying that, any more than I bought that half-price gasoline you were sellin'. Sure, the tractors cost a lot of money to run, but you get what you pay for.

Oh, shoot. Governor! Governor Walker! Hey, how do I get his attention? I say what? Well, I don't understand it, but okay.

DAVID KOCH ON LINE ONE!

Well, that did got your attention. Now, I don't understand why you're swingin' that stick at that paper ball in the tree, but you better darn well stop. 'Cause that paper ball is what we like to call a "hornet's nest."

Nope, they're not yellowjackets. Yellowjackets are wimps in comparison. These are redjackets. They're organized. You hurt just one, and they'll be after you like politicians on out-of-state money. And they'll bring their friends, and their family, and their students, and their supporters. They'll keep after you for weeks, even in the dead of winter.

And you'll think it's the biggest swarm you've ever seen — up until the weather warms up, and more of them join in.

No, these redjackets are from here in Wisconsin. It's them Koch brothers that's out of state. You seem to be a little confused about that. S'pose I can't blame you, what with the constant stingin' and all.

Didn't notice before, but you've got a row of baby ducks followin' you. They're just about to hit the manure. I sure hope some of them have the brains to pick a different path, before somethin' hits the fan.

Anyway, no offense, Governor Walker, it's been a nice visit and all, but I think it's time for you to go home now.

FAUX-NEWS TALKING POINT:Farmer Brown is an out-of-control socialist slob from out-of-state.

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