Senator Chuck Grassley
It was all a misunderstanding.
Seven weeks ago, the President of the United States nominated a Supreme Court justice, as directed by the Constitution. But the witch and her minions refused to even consider the nominee. No one understood why.
"The nomination papers misspelled 'Judge,'" said the witch. "As 'Judy.' That girl still has my shoes."
"Oh," she continued. "And she killed my sister too."
At first, the evil witch directed her minions in the Senate to block the nomination. The Flying Monkey Caucus then invented a claim that Article II, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution said "the next president."
"We believe the American people should have a say," said Senate Judiciary chair Chuck "Nikko" Grassley.
As of a matter of public record, the American people -- a diverse set of basically decent folks -- did have a say, and they elected the president.
The green magic woman eventually said she would meet with Garland.
"I'll meet," she said. "To tell her only, 'My name is Elphaba de la Montaña. You killed my sister. And took my shoes. Prepare to die. '"
Then the misspelling came to light. The witch and the president shared a good laugh.
"It turns out that the nominee is a nice guy," Elphaba said. "Not that horrible little girl. And as my minions have previously observed, he's well-qualified, an intelligent legal scholar, and a man of character and integrity."
"I've directed the flying monkeys in Congress," said The Green One, "to stop flinging their poop and just let the Senate consider the nominee."
"I may be evil," said the witch, "But only a real douchebag would talk about the Constitution for years then refuse to follow it."
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